sometimes it’s really just me in here

 

i

 

As i sit down to write everything is so sexy

i am in a room with wind whipping the sides of it. 

it’s like a frame house in wisconsin but it looks good, 

probably built into the 2010s even. 

i grew up like this but not really.

earlier this week i was walking by a house from the 2000s and disgusted 

thought i hated new developments. 

i don’t know what this house is going to do to protect me 

from the particular kind of pain that i get at the front of my belly. 

like a cockroach eating me from the flesh side. 

been feeling really lesbian lately if anyone wants to take advantage of that. 

that means i don’t want to take my underwear off if we fuck.

and i’m so into vomiting right now, 

like anything that might suggest the body is a puddle.

 

plus i dreamt that sadist said they loved me again. 

which i guess means i really want it —

that foot in my mouth

excavation

being smashed in two

 

i– i– 

 

was on the farm today and got a really bad burn… no one else got so burnt… their skin is tough… i felt embarrassed… i didn’t want anyone to look at me… or touch the red heat… was on the floor with my legs bent in two v’s behind me… pissed my pants… the tighty witey got so yellow and soft… draped over my dick like la pieta… waa waa waa… my body is a machine that turns marijuana into fear… drinking this water with electrolytes… sitting in the back of the van legs up… draining my awareness to my ass… not the hole though… that’s sidestepped… fluid filling… 

 

now rubbing one out on a bestie’s bed… turns out everywhere you go you bring yourself… that’s not a lie… 

 

 

and other times it’s everything in me

 

i always wear my mask in the club

because i am a nebbish and i’m scared

 

of covid and also because i like it. or

maybe i’ll put a bandana over my whole

 

face or pair the k95 with a biiiig set 

of sunglasses, and i keep my mouth moving,

 

singing, vibration sent to my stomach

zhuzhing a whole ecosystem of want, 

 

my gut biome dancing as i beat

the vidui to the bounce of my breath,

 

the entrances of my body knit together

so the echo stays solid,

 

soundwaves hitting off every bone.

 

i would like to see that!

i would like to be me versus

 

staying in my body! it’s the girl

in the panopticon lighthouse

 

pointing and laughing look at her 

she’s struggling to stay inside herself

 

but i’ll beat that bitch

with a bat, i won :)

 

ah!! how can i keep

from singing? enya said that

 

but i first heard it from my ex,

in whose presence i once or twice 

 

tried to crack like ceramic, just

to see what silt felt impacted

 

against my bleeding spots cuz         hey

no one wants an object only for itself           cmon! 

 

be a good hole           open up           let me feel 

that organ in my hand            uncanny

 

how everything is alive at once and i still

thought it was really just me in here

 

trying to fit a full fist down my throat and

everything splits with light